This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
