ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
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