She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
