Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
