worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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