News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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