Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
