I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
