I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
