:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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