i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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