When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
