Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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