I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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