dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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