I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I need to stop coming to work sober
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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