Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
