Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
