You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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