we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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