why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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