you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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