the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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