I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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