he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
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