tell your sister to shave her snatch
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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