sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
