I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
