I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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