i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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