My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The Olympian is in my bed
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
