So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
