My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
