buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
