Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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