he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
