I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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