with your own penis?
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
