I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize