My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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