How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
They are going to name an STD after you.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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