i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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