Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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