maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
