i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
