i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
