Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
