I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
