I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
