but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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