I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
