i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
